Ploafmaster General

Hey hey hey, it’s time for Ask Dan #3.

Chris got a head start this week with a comment on my answer to Ask Dan #2. Here ’tis:

Question – is it better to rake the leaves in your yard often (weekly) or just wait until all the leaves are off the trees and have a leaf-clearing blowout party (involving friends, pizza, and beer).[sic]

Go ahead and post your questions in the comments section, and I’ll pick one by Wednesday evening, answering by Friday evening.

Ciao,
Daniel

Q: How can refried beans still be so tasty even though EVERY SINGLE time I open a can, I violently recoil due to the preciseness with which they resemble canned dog or cat food?

A: I believe this is a simple answer, really, as there are many other foods that tempt ye olde buds-de-taste while sharing the visual qualities of canine victuals.

We are gluttons for punishment.

Gastrointestinal punishment, that is. Consider the nutritional value of foods in the “eat it for the taste and not the looks” department. I’ll start with the refried beans, and all I have to say to get my point across is GAS. Crampy intestines followed by noxious blowouts.

Another fine example is corned beef hash. If ever a food for people resembled dog food, it was hash. Chopped meat and potatoes, bound together in a can by a mysterious mixture of seasoning and goo. Not only does this look wrong in every sense of the word as it issues forth from a cracked Dinty Moore can, it smells unholy as well. Until you cook it. Then you have a crispy, savory, hearty pile of acid reflux stew.

Though I feel my point’s made clear, I’ll share one more example: sausage. This culinary compost heap is a “link” to our past, fighting for survival by preserving and eating every last part of an animal. Composed of pieces of fat and meat (and in the industrially-produced meat packing industry, “meat” is used loosely), encased in sheep intestine, then cooked up by any available heat application, eating sausage is the nutritional equivalent of a cholesterol injection.

All these foods, however, share the common denominator of tastiness. We probably first experienced these foods as children before learning of their unappetizing initial states, leaving a lingering desire to consume them that overwhelms our revulsion at the site of slop-in-a-tin.

So that does it for Ask Dan #2. Stay tuned for Ask Dan #3, and start thinking of those questions!

Now pardon me as I go eat some gravy made out of turkey entrails…

Alright loyal half-dozen! Time for Ask Dan #2!

You’ll have to come up with some excellent questions, as Alexis got a strong start right out of the gate:

Here’s a question for Ask Dan:

Is there anyone hotter than Sufjan Stevens? If there isn’t, is such a thing theoretically possible (or plausible)?

And another:

How can refried beans still be so tasty even though EVERY SINGLE time I open a can, I violently recoil due to the preciseness with which they resemble canned dog or cat food?

Alright! Post your questions in the comments section – I’ll answer on Friday!

Q: Who is pretentious?

A: To answer such a question, we have to start with the definition of the word. As usual, I turn to Webster:

Main Entry: pre•ten•tious
Pronunciation: pri-’ten(t)-sh&s
Function: adjective
Etymology: French prétentieux, from prétention pretension, from Medieval Latin pretention-, pretentio, from Latin praetendere
1 : characterized by pretension : as a : making usually unjustified or excessive claims (as of value or standing) b : expressive of affected, unwarranted, or exaggerated importance, worth, or stature 2 : making demands on one’s skill, ability, or means : AMBITIOUS synonym see SHOWY
- pre•ten•tious•ly adverb
- pre•ten•tious•ness noun

That seems pretty simple. Who is pretentious? Somebody displaying pretension. So what the heck is that?!? Well, here’s the definition for pretension:

Main Entry: 1pre•ten•sion
Pronunciation: pri-’ten(t)-sh&n
Function: noun
1 : an allegation of doubtful value : PRETEXT
2 : a claim or an effort to establish a claim
3 : a claim or right to attention or honor because of merit
4 : an aspiration or intention that may or may not reach fulfillment
5 : VANITY, PRETENTIOUSNESS
synonym see AMBITION
- pre•ten•sion•less /-l&s/ adjective

That seems pretty cut and dry. But I’m sure that Patrick didn’t want simply to know what pretentious meant, and the loose categorization of those who make “doubtfully valuable allegations” as pretentious. No, I suspect Patrick wants to know who I think is pretentious, and moreover, why.

Those of you 5 or 6 readers out there likely know my hatred for the overuse of the word “pretentious” in descriptions of art – be it music or film. It’s not so much that I hate simply the word, or even it’s frequency of utterance. It’s more a misuse. Abuse, really.

I feel that most folks use that synonym that Webster listed up above: showy. Furthermore, I believe they use such a word to describe what they believe is showy without evidence of whether or not such a piece of art really fits such a categorization. Such oversimplification of “pretentious” is detectable when the offender explains his or her reasons for using the word. In countless articles, forum posts, and conversations, people describe their impression of the artists intent. Sure, they believe the artist is being showy, whether it’s the dialogue in an “indie” film, or Sufjan Stevens’ song titles on his Illinois album. But does their aversion to these artistic products stem from unjustified or excessive claims by the artist? Are these artists overstating their own value? Such claims, if they exist, rarely find their way into the vitriolic verbiage of critics who cry “pretentious!”

So who do I think is pretentious? Those critics, whether professional, forum-posting, or casual arm-chair remarking, who call out “pretentious” without a thorough understanding of its meaning, against art they simply find too ornamental. Such people are themselves making unjustified value judgments.

Thus concludes Ask Dan #1. Thanks, Patrick, for the question!