Ploafmaster General

Q: why are there so many “B vitamins” (B6, B12, etc)?

A: Well Chris, this one turned out to be easier than I expected. It seems that when folks were naming vitamins, it was originally understood that Vitamin B was a single chemical compound. A gentleman by the name of Robert R. Williams (an arm-chair vitamin researcher, it turns out) first isolated the chemical compound and structure of what we now know as thiamine. This, as I understand it, was the original “Vitamin B” and is still known today as Vitamin B₁.

Later of course, scientists determined that what they called “Vitamin B” was actually a complex of several compounds, not all of which coexist in a food at the same time. Each of these sub compounds of the complex is responsible for aiding different metabolic functions in our bodies, and were named likely in order of discovery. Now we have such familiar (from cereal boxes, at least) compound names as Riboflavin (B₂) and Folic Acid, or Folate (B₉).

So there it is…the answer to Ask Dan’s glorious (maybe?) return.

Go ahead and post new questions in the comments section, hit me on Twitter, or email your quandaries to danielcwarshaw [at] gmail [dot] com.

Where two or three come together for the inane, there am I to give crazy answers.

Thanks to Alexis and Chris, the rest of you are likely to be subjected (resubjected?) to Ask Dan once again!

So go ahead, submit those questions in the comments section of this or any other post, via Twitter, or by emailing me at danielcwarshaw [at] gmail [dot] com.

Do it!

I mean…please

You know, ever since I became aware that I have this new-found readership of possibly 8 people instead of the 4-6 I’d previously guessed, I’ve been considering reviving an old friend. Tonight, after some goading from Patrick, I decided I’d test the waters, presidential campaign style. So here goes…

Should I bring back Ask Dan? For the unfamiliar, this was a roughly weekly feature where I’d answer a question from the comments of any post (or emailed? Maybe?). This question could be about anything – Where does “Ploaf” come from? Why is red wine red? How many ducks will you trade for my magic kidney stone? Seriously (or not), submit any question, and I’ll pick one and answer it by the end of the day on Friday. The answer may be literal, thorough and exact, or it may be completely absurd. The seriousness of the question doesn’t necessarily dictate the seriousness of the response.

I’m hesitant, not just because The Morning News handles this WAY better than I do, but because it sort of swelled like a novelty and faded rather quickly, hanging on barely because of my sister-in-law and her silly questions.

How about it? Should I? If so, bury me with questions in the comments section, or send me one at danielcwarshaw [at] gmail [dot] com.

Q: Hey ask dan! Here’s my question: How would YOU make crapplejuice as a cocktail and what would it taste like? Please give me your most detailed and goriest explaination. (Holy crapplejuice Batman!)

A: Well it seems that my sister-in-law still likes to see her weirdest questions answered for all to see, and this time, it’s a rather disgusting one

First I want to suggest, Elizabeth, that you probably meant “grossest explanation” rather than “goriest” since I doubt you’re talking about a bloody crapplejuice cocktail here!

That being said, here’s my ancient family recipe for just such a libation:

1.5 oz. Crapple Jack
1.5 oz. Patron Anejo Tequila
4-5 dingle berries – reserve one for garnish
Crapple Juice to taste

To mix: Fill a Boston shaker with ice and add the Crapple Jack and tequila. Shake vigorously. In a rocks glass, muddle all but one of the dingle berries with some crushed ice. When thoroughly pulverized, add more crushed ice to fill the glass halfway. Pour out the contents of the shaker into the glass and top off with Crapple Juice. Garnish with the remaining dingle berry on the rim of the drinking vessel.

There you have it! If you’re not dry-heaving after all that, post questions for next time (if there is one) in the comments of this or any future post.

Q: Are you still doing Ask Dan? If so here’s my question: what would you do if you were President of the US?

A: Elizabeth, you first have to realize that I’d never want the responsibility and 24/7 pressure of the office of President of the United States of America. So much stress. No rest. No real time off. For at least four years.

Unless you’re kicked out…

So here’s what I’d do. I’d throw the first ever Oval Office Keg Party. For realz. I’d have heads of state doing keg stands while members of my cabinet bonged cheap brew from another keg in the corner. The secret service would be around to make sure nobody drove home under the influence, and to keep things from getting too rowdy. Then we’d all go for a ride in Marine One, buzzing the tops of well-to-do townhouses in Old Town Alexandria before landing in the middle of I-95, just to disrupt things a little more.

I figure that’d get me impeached in less than a year. And if not? I could always start a war with Luxembourg, or something.

Q: what is your favorite kitchen utensil?

A: Chris, you’ve asked a question that is very dear to my heart, as I enjoy cooking so much. I revel as excitedly about culinary gear as I do the latest tech gadgetry.

Before I say what my favorite kitchen utensil is, I have to clarify – as oft I am wont – my terms. When I talk about utensils, I don’t mean simply that which may be used. In this context I’m talking about purely mechanical implements that aid food preparation. I’ll exclude the cookware/bakeware itself, but my definition also excludes electronics such as my KitchenAid stand mixer or my electronic probe thermometer.

All that being said, my favorite Kitchen Utensil is by far the pair of stainless steel Oxo Good Grips tongs. Tongs in general are extremely versatile – whether for fishing something out of a marinade or rotating that pork tenderloin in the frying pan.

Some close runners-up, however, would include my Microplane zester/grater and my 8″ Chef’s Knife.

There it is…post questions for the next Ask Dan in the comments!

Q: if you really had the cheat as your sidekick would you really kick him? Would you let him have light switch rave parties? What kind of stuff would he do for you as a sidekick?

A: You bet your behind I’d kick The Cheat. Only way to keep him in line. And no, there’d be no light switch rave parties. Waste of electricity, and too much of a risk of seizure for everybody else.

With The Cheat in line and not misbehaving, I think I’d have him fetch all my meals. And mix me some suudsu.

That’s it. Nothing major, nothing exciting. But it’s an answer. I mean, I’ve had an exhausting, crappy week. Cut me some slack, eh?

Post your questions for next week in the comments section!

Q: What would you do if you had a clone of yourself made, and you came home one night to find said clone getting all intimately boom-tada-boom with your wife?

And how would you justify your reaction?

A: Ouch, Mugs…rough question…

But a short answer. I’d grasp the clone by the skull and heave him through the nearest window, ensuring that his neck snapped in the process. I made the clone, so it’s my choice. That’s my justification.

Grotesque? Yes. Answered? Very yes.

Post them questions in the comments, and I’ll answer a new one next week!

Q: I hope I can still ask a question for ask dan. If I can…what would our country be like if we elected a leprechaun as president?

A: Well Elizabeth, of course you can still ask a question…I think that deadline business was intended to allow me time to research a response…but mostly I just make it up as I go along on Fridays. So don’t worry about asking by Wednesday anymore, and don’t worry about posting the question in the last Ask Dan post – worry about me gleaning any question from any comment, and using that as a lame excuse to perpetuate this feature

So Leprechauns, eh? I think we may already have had a leprechaun for a president…or at least somebody close to one. You see James Madison, our 4th president, was a mere 5ft, 3 and 3/4 inches tall. The only problem is that he was English, not Irish. Though I suppose nearly 5′4″ is still a bit taller than a Leprechaun…

I believe a Leprechaun president would face a new set of challenges being so short, though I see several distinct advantages:

First, such a small president would be a difficult target, increasing the safety of the world leader. He’d be so small, in fact, that you may be able to secretly hide him in some unlikely places, thus avoiding danger. Nobody would expect to find the President of the United States of America cruising down a sidewalk in a baby carriage.

Second, everybody knows that Leprechaun’s have crazy amounts of gold. Hello moneybags, goodbye national debt.

Leprechaun’s are traditionally believed to be cobblers…so, um…free shoes for everybody? Maybe? Come on, work with me here…

Finally, at such diminutive stature, our Leprechaun president could finally see eye to eye in peace talks with Kim Jong Il. Crisis averted!

So there it is…question answered – if you believe it.

Post them questions in the comments, and check in next week for another installment of Ask Dan.

Q: Is there such a thing as intrinsic artistic value, and, if so, how do we gauge it?

A: Mugs, why did you have to ask not only a serious question, but a deeply philosophical question which requires me to think on a day like today?

No matter. I’ll resort, as is my habit, to the Merriam Webster dictionary to set the working definition of “intrinsic” in this post:

1 a : belonging to the essential nature or constitution of a thing [the intrinsic worth of a gem] [the intrinsic brightness of a star]

So essentially by intrinsic we mean something inherent to an object. In these terms, we might then ask whether art has value simply because it is art. Though the language be clarified, the question certainly is not; we need to understand what art is at its core, what constitutes value or artistic value, and how value is determined. This will in turn address the second portion of the question – “…and, if so, how do we gauge it?”

For art I’ll (over)simplify a bit with Webster again:

4 a : the conscious use of skill and creative imagination especially in the production of aesthetic objects; also : works so produced

That seems to be the most succinct and appropriate description of what we’re discussing here. We’re not talking about the art of motorcycle repair. We can also rule out things that are beautiful by chance such as sand dunes, snow storms, and patterns caused by spilled paint. As for value, I’ll sum up the rather tangled definitions available and assume, for the sake of this post, that when we say that something has “value” we mean something is desirable to at least somebody.

I’m going to rebuild the complete question here, one last time. We are trying to determine whether creative output is at all desirable to anybody by the simple fact that it is somebody’s creative output.

And after all that verbosity I say that yes, art does have intrinsic value.

The key word in our definition of art is conscious. Whether by self-motivation or indentured servitude, somebody wants the creative output. Do they want the art for investment? Do they want the art for status? Do they want the art as a symbol of self-expression? Do they want the art for propaganda purposes? In each case the creative output is the result of somebody’s desire. The artist may wish to express feelings for country or beloved, while the patron may wish for immortality through a bronze sculpture. A novelist may wish to subversively criticize the established social structure, while a despotic leadership may wish for a unifying symbol of nationalistic pride. The point is, at least one person has some desire to fulfill which initiates intentional use of creative abilities resulting in creative output.

That being said, I don’t believe we can concretely measure intrinsic artistic value. The desirability of creative output is subjective – different people attribute different levels of desire. Critical value may be measurable, but the innate desirability of art is left to the artist and/or observer. For instance, the five people reading this entry may not care much about it, nor may they consider it good writing in general or good writing as far as Daniel Warshaw’s writing goes. But I value this post because it provided a venue for me to organize some otherwise unsorted thoughts on a topic very important to me.

Oi…Still reading after all that? Well that’s it for this week. Post your questions for the next Ask Dan in the comments section, and I’ll answer one next week!

Ciao,
Daniel