Ploafmaster General

Alright, so here’s a nice long article from my now defunct blog, “Snobgoblin.” You really need to have the time to tuck into this fella, ’cause he’s a novella. Here goes…

CHICK FLICKS

Now, before I launch into this vaunting diatribe, I must briefly explain the difference between 4 distinct gender-specific movie genres – the chick flick, the romance, the guy movie, and the man movie. Naturally, I won’t explain them in that order, because I have to leave the chick flick for last.

1. The Romance. I think that most people would agree that romance movies typically cater to women. This is not to say that some men don’t enjoy them. I myself enjoy a good romance movie, like Punch Drunk Love, or The Notebook.

The obvious feature that typifies the romance movie is an idealized male-female relationship at the end of the story – the end, and not the beginning because many events throughout the story are quite less than idyllic. Movies of this type often employ comedy (whether or not this is to draw an increased number of males into the theater is unknown), morphing somewhat into a sub-genre, the Romantic Comedy (including fine entries such as Grosse Pointe Blank and As Good as it Gets). That however, is for another entry.

2. The Man Movie. Man movies are designed to elicit the production of testosterone in those of us graced with a Y chromosome. They tend to be filled with action sequences such as car chases and fights, dramatic stunt work, special effects, or any combination of such. These films usually have little-to-no romantic involvement between characters, and may in fact have very few females on screen at all. One of my favorite examples of such a movie is Tombstone. You simply need to watch it to understand – and if your heart is racing by the end, you know what I mean. Top Gun is NOT a man movie – I’ll get to that one later. Other good examples, however, include Braveheart and The Hunt for Red October.

3. The Guy Movie. Such films are mostly rubbish. Seriously – and I know I’m going to draw a lot of flack for this, but most of them really are. Guy movies almost always employ the use of two third-rate story elements: base humor, and unhealthy depiction/interaction with women. Some of the more notorious movies in this category are the American Pie series, Van Wilder, Dude, Where’s My Car, and The Girl Next Door.

There is hope for this genre, however. There are a few shining examples of movies that are ridiculously puerile, but somehow the humor contained therein helps one look past the dopey, gross jokes and poorly portrayed women. Two excellent examples are Dumb and Dumber, and Zoolander.

4. The Chick Flick. Here we are, the reason for this ridiculously long post (but hey, the subject necessitates such a lengthy discussion). Chick flicks are like the mutated waste products of romance movies. And by that I mean the only real tie to romance movies is the eventual idealized relationship between a guy and a gal.

The similarities most certainly end there.

I will now proceed to dissect some of the more disturbing aspects of chick flicks. First, we have the most mind boggling device: Utter implausibility. I have discovered, having seen many such movies with my wife (and as we dated), that chick flicks seem to appeal to women more if the story is ridiculously far-fetched. Perfect examples are Thirteen Going on Thirty, Serendipity (WHY, John Cusack?), and Save the Last Dance. This, I do not understand. I have many female friends who are very intelligent, yet somehow fall for these screenplays that are so immensely unbelievable.

Unbelievable? Far fetched? But wait!!!!! It’s only a movie, you moron! Yeah, I’m sure that’s what some of you may be saying right now. But tell me why the original three Star Wars movies are better than Battlefield Earth, or why I’m better than Tony Danza. Star Wars is total science fiction, but the writing and acting draw you into the story and characters, rather than the fact that you’re hearing sound in the vacuum of space, for example. In short, a great movie can be totally unrealistic, but must distract you from that by somehow making you believe what you’re watching and hearing.

The next thing that stimulates my utter disdain for chick flicks is the poor film making. I’m not trying to say that every film need be the quality of a Hitchcock or some modern directing auteur, but could ya freakin’ lay off the stupid soft lens filter? You can’t compensate for crappy writing by trying to make the scenes look “cuter”, or “warmer”, like they woefully attempt in both The Wedding Planner and Maid in Manhattan (Wow, J-Lo, that’s two strikes!).

Is the lack of creative production because women don’t care? I doubt it – I know at least as many girls as guys who loved the beautiful photography in Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. Hooray for mystery number two.

The third, and final aspect of chick flicks that provokes me to anger is the humor. This beast rears its ugly head in several fashions. Most commonly we see the jokes, however, in two forms: “girls only” humor, and “boys are stupid” humor. The “girls only” brand consists of jokes specific to girls because of the subject, such as menstruation, child birth, or shopping. The “boys are stupid” variety ranges from such extremes as the anti-romance and blind aggressiveness of the male gender to the unhealthy generalizations about male sexual behavior (some of us DO know what foreplay is, thank-you). There is another way, however, in which chick flick humor shows itself, and this one is downright peevish. These are the jokes intended for the males in the audience…those sorry fellows who have been dragged along to see something dreadful…probably because of a deal with their ladies for having watched some real movie last week. Such “boyfriend jokes” tend to be just the opposite of the two girl-specific joke types, and equally as ridiculous. It’s like trying to balance green vomit with brown vomit.

There is one thing left to address. I find it necessary to return to Top Gun, because there is potential for confusion about this one. Many would argue that this eighties film is an obvious choice for a man movie. Many would be mistaken. Top Gun is an evil movie, in that it takes a blatant chick flick, and loosely wraps it within some elements of a man movie. Yes, you have fighter jets. Yes, you have dogfights, and machismo. Yes, you have Tom Cruise and Val Kilmer, oiled up, playing beach volley ba – wait. Tom Cruise and Val Kilmer, oiled up. That’s about as far as you have to go to realize that there’s a devious subtext to this movie, and it ain’t masculine. I’d like to stop there, but the movie does not. There’s also the steamy romance between Tom Cruise’s character and the miscellaneous floozy they threw in there with him, and the wretchedly breathy “Take My Breath Away,” performed by…who cares.

‘Nuff said.